i like to write random original songs like, randomly .
im not sure why
maybe its normal for a literature student ?
i wonder..

i always start songs from the chorus.
dont ask, im not sure why either.
okay lah, all the songs that i ever wrote or thought of,
only has the chorus parts! hah (fakes laugh)
i think its easier to think of the chorus than the verses

so here it goes,
and sorry if it sucks .
no surprise if it is , i guess .

YOU AND ME

i need you
just how can i move on w/o you
i love you
oh baby, yes i do
why don't we

just hold on strong as long as can be
wo ai ni
forever you and me

before this song was thought of,
i had
BE MINE

it goes something like :

what im feeling
i just cant describe it
my heart is just bursting
when i have you beside

i think of you
every second
every minute
i'm always here
oh darling, i mean it

i've always pictured you - only you and i
and my wish is that i could just say

be mine

and before this also, it was
SAVE ME
sad song lah, but gwen said it was not bad
except for the second line
haha, agreed

there he sat by the well so old
with growing roots and mould
thinking how his life could be so cold
the reason, it doesnt show

to not be what you made
out to be
to feel so in pain
whats going
on

to feel so in pain
somebody come save me

and the first ever song i ever thought of
was a malay one
ENGKAU , meaning you in english
the tune isnt original btw
it was my first attempt
so i kinda stole a little the tune of OH NADIA

engkau yang
bangkitkanku bila ku jatuh
engkau yang menyinari
hidupku ini
engkaulah
satu-satu dalam beribu
engkaulah
yang namanya kekasih

ku ingin saling bertemu denganmu
ku harap kau jugak rasa begitu
sudikah kau jadi teman hidupku
apakah jawapan ku kan tunggu

translation :

you are the one that lifts me up when i fall
you brighten up my life
you are one in a million
you are what a lover is

i'd love to see you all the time
and i hope you feel the same way too
would you be my love partner
i await for your answer

okay, these songs suck, dont they?

--------------------------------------------

the only thing that im happy and can be proud of is that
its confirmed that im attending the 35TH NCO CAMP this year,
as a drum major and along with joanne as the band major.

that's one thing to be looking forward to .

ugh, my dad just caught me using the computer.

dad : " eh, since when i can say you can use computer ah? "
(w the malay accent trying to speak fluent english)
-.-

yeah yeah, whatever.
thats it then.
night

i thought i was a stronger young man
i thought i could take setbacks easier
i thought i can still move on with a genuine smile
i thought i could hide it all in
but no

it turned out that im getting weaker
it turned out that im even more crushed
it turned out that sometimes i cant even fake a smile to show
and pretend
it turned out that i cant hide them feelings in anymore
and just start crying at random times of the day, w or w/o friends around
i cant believe i let my siblings see me cry last night
they havent seen me cry in like, years .
and its not as if people close to me cant tell
whether my eyes are watery because i either yawned or teared.

i just cant pretend anymore.
its getting just too hard .
maybe, like ive always said,
maybe time will heal.
but yet again also, i doubt it'll be anytime soon ..

now life seriously has lost its colours

life .

everyone but one is the clique is facing problems right now
major ones at that
but fiona's most carefree

gwen: " (dragging her words)
no wonder fiona dont really like hang out with us anymore
and like 'left' us .. our clique so many problems ..
some even linking to another person in the clique "

hafiz : " yeah.. maybe.."
(went silent for awhile, thinking about how true her statement was,
gwen went silent too -thinking)
"hey gwen..you're already thinking of leaving us too aren't you.
you're tired of facing these problems arent you.

i know you rather go with peini & colleen's clique, sure lesser problems than us"

gwen: " yah.. kinda.. they like always so happy.
with them also i dont have to worry so much. "

hafiz : "oh ... but whatever you decide to do, please dont ever leave me..
i cant do w/o a best friend like you.."

gwen: " dont lame lah, i wont leave you one. "

i hope she keeps her words ):
seriously, i cant imagine life w/o her .

she makes me laugh all the time
and no matter how harsh her comments about me
or what i do can be,
or how many times she did so,
i know that she did it only to help me improve and not just simply to bring me down.
& it just feels oh-so-good when she compliments something about me
or what i do.
haha

like i said, everyone but one is facing major problems right now.
i rather not show my emotions, adding to everyone else's worries
they already have had enough of problems

elena, seen most of the time with the glum face
deon and zeke suddenly going sad and even cry at times
gwen suddenly going quiet, thinking hard over stuffs

i rather be strong and be there for them
if everyone is sad
then who would do the accompanying and trying to cheerup
at least one has to stay happy for the rest to feel better too
it has to be me as fiona doesnt really go with us as much anymore,
apart from recess time

colleen : " huh..gwen, so hard for you ..you always so upset eh.."

hafiz : " its also hard for me ): never say me? ha-ha(tries to laugh)"

colleen : " huh, really ah? you also ah ? but you always smile mah, i thought ? "

hafiz : " smile on the outside, but on the inside? (puts on a smile)
haha but yeah.. but i gotta be strong. (explains everything) "

i'd only show my emotions when im alone w gwen,
preferably at quiet and lonely places
like carpark rooftops!
we usually go there together, the both of us
when we're really upset.
we'd talk it out- everything
and just cry our lungs out.
our topics may even flow from one to another, crying over different things.
after so, we'd feel just nice.
how can i ever do w/o her , HAH

like DARA in my last year's literature novel ' CLAY MARBEL ' ,
i've got to be strong, grow up and mature overnight .

just what is it with everyone today/night ?
i know its not just me

oh my
my stomach hurts
it always does when im nervous or simply excited

it shows 8.25am on my screen now
25 more minutes and ive gotta go get ready for school,
dress up and off to vivo
gahh
im so nervous yet excited

it's funny for someone who enjoys performing
to get so nervous before every performance
and also to have stagefright.
i admit, i do have stagefright.
but i'd just muster up courage and go on up the stage
and whilst performing and w/o realising,
the fear would just disapear

there's a way i heard of that could maybe help you
feel less scared when performing on stage.

imagine everyone in the audience are naked

it'd be a funny scene, rather than them staring at you making you nervous
this way also, it can help you to maintain your smile while performing
haha, ive never tried this personally.
feel that it's rather stupid.
don't even know if it works,
why don't you try and tell me yeah ?

hais, i dont know if today will be an enjoyable day.
i dont see any fun coming from it actually,
other than being able to perform that is.

well, im not going to have any friends to talk to
or sit in the bus
what more take pictures?

and what saddens me more is that gwen,
my own best friend
doesn't want to come support later ):
lazy, she says
and fiona has tuition until 4.30
our performing slot would be around 5, at least i think so

hais, i guess its okay then
at least i have deon, zeke and elena coming down too
THANKS GUYS ! ^^
but don't laugh at me later please!

WISH ME LUCK PEOPLE!

hey, its only 8.47am!
i thought it'd be 9 as soon as i finish this post !
and then i can get ready straight.

psh, now i dont know what to do.
my speakers are not working , so watching K-POP won't be a choice

hmm, games? ugh no fun ones to play

chat? not many are online, its not even 9am.
and there's not much to say.
hmm, maybe ill add on to the post then .

------------------------------------------------------------

H1N1

this stupid four-lettered word is the most ultimate annoying spoiler ever
because of it,
CCA has been suspended
how are going to practse for next year's concert !
( AMPIO MUSICA II )
it's not as if we're playing any of those simple songs anymore.
and because of it,
the enrichment, YCMC,
gwen, deon, some others and i signed up for has to be cancelled
mr shawal refused to sign as MOE discourages mass gatherings
UGH!
just when i wanted to gain even more experiences,
and the experiences YCMC offered was rather good!
hmph

stupid H1N1,
i hate you .
and i hate pigs.
it all started from them.

time, 9.55am -.-

they say if you see only one star in the clear dark sky,
you can make a wish upon it.
but before you do,
you need to say/sing

" star light
star bright
the only star i see tonight
wish i may
wish i might
have this wish i wish tonight .
i wish.. "

but maybe it was a satelite that i wished upon yesterday
nothing is coming out from the wish i made,
nothing .
or maybe wishes on a star just don't come true.. ?

my heart used to like a view so beautiful
it let me see the rich colours reviving in my life
i really thought everything was just turning out fine
& that i can finally feel so happy w/o having to worry so much
but i was wrong,
so wrong .

it was only temporary,
the shorter type of temporary .
it hasn't ended .
the pain and sour still lingers

i know time will heal
but i dont know how long it will take
for everyday i think about it
and it just affects my mood
im sure im not the only one facing this right now
and when i go all quiet,
and need space from everyone else around me
i think even more .

and im just lost now
nothing good would come out from anything i do right now
either way, it wont help .
maybe even make things worse, for all i know

i should start listening to

gwen, elena and the voice that speaks from deep inside my heart

" time is the only thing that can make it better
give yourself and everyone else around you time and space
and maybe, just maybe
things will just turn out for the better . "

and so all i can do now is that
and keep on wishing upon lonely stars at night if i see them .

and there's another way of making a wish
i dont know if it comes true.
when i was in primary school, i wished to be handsome and good-looking
HAHAHHA!
i know, vain & silly huh
but it hasn't come true
i think im just average looking, though .

my sister taught me this method of wishing.
what's needed is a bus fare ticket
hahah!
yes, the bus fare ticket
which you get after using coins to pay for the fare.

1st : look at only the four-digit number on the top right hand of the ticket .

2nd : find the sum of all the digits .
if it adds up to 21 or more,
then a wish can be made.

3rd : close your eyes and wish,
& make sure it comes from deep down your heart .

4th : tear the strip or paper into tiny bits .
hold on to them with one hand.

5th : blow it at an open space
and wait for the wish to come true .

til then, just keep on believing .

--------------------------------------------------

performance tomorrow
at vivo city
the time would be around 5, i guess
the confirmed list of people coming down to support i have so far is
deon, zeke and elena
hah
oh my, its kinda embarassing i think.
confirm they keep laughing at me!
but who cares,
its the experience that i get from it that matters.
(:

oh btw, i dont really have friends involved in the performance
hais, maybe its the only performance im going to experience
w/o pictures to remind me of it
):
sigh..
but i'll try to take lah,
see how .

good night now ,

sleep tight,
dont let the bedbugs bite .

like they did to me -.-

After days of desperate looking around the entire school
for a player to help play percussion for the school's angklung,
only to be turned down,
mrs faith ang finally got an agreement this afternoon with a very nice boy ..

me.

HAHAHAH !
nice boy my ass lah

it came all so sudden .

i just ended my oral examinations
and just got to the canteen to sit with the rest .
oh btw, i think i did pretty well for my oral .
:D
i elaborated alot and expressed my personal views nicely and in an organized manner
hoho

and there she came asking me about it,
and not even a minute later,
i found myself walking my way up with her
to the hall to already start practise with the rest .

the angklung played very familiar & catchy tunes.
i kinda liked them.
and the players were rather friendly too .
it was either they smiled at me first or would smile back when i would.
i simply like smiling, HAH wth?

and oh ya, all of them were girls.
only three of the just added helpers, including myself, were made up of guys.

jacqi was there too.
she was playing the gu zheng (chinese orchestra instrument).
the other two male helpers were given shakers to play
and i played the woodblock and also the windchimes.
it was kinda easy for me.
okay what am i talking, it was VERY easy,
esp when i have the same ryhthm throughout !
psh, such an insult to my percussion skills, CEH!
kidding hahaha

jacqi also let me play with her gu zheng
cooool~

and btw, the performance not only consists of us,
it also involves the chinese dancers.
we would play the music and they would dance to it.
cool huh?
they danced rather beautifully to the music, i shall say

the clocked striked 4.35 in the afternoon
and we were almost about to end
i went to play the kulingtang (abit like band's xylophone)
with mr andy tan.
personally,i think he's quite a nice teacher.
he makes me feel as if he's a good friend of mine.
and we played the tune ' doe, a deer. a female deer..'
hahah
and i continued playing along tunes that i learnt from the band.
some of the girls looked back to watch when i played
'a whole new world'
HAH!

soon, the rest were already long gone to keep their angklungs
leaving jacqi, mrs ang, mr tan and i in the hall .
mr tan started playing on the piano,
and oh my.
he's damn good, i dare say .

hafiz : " okay, mr tan.. i know you can play. let's go now.. :B"

mrs ang : " aiyo. hafiz ah.. so cheeky. "

mr tan: " haha, its okay. i know him, and he's one of the nicer band members "

mrs ang : " actually all of them are rather nice"

heh

after leaving the angklungs, gu zheng, temple block and wind chimes
in the music room ...

hafiz : " mrs ang, is this the last rehearsal we have
until the performance day itself this saturday?"

mrs ang : " yes !"

hafiz & jacqi : O.o !?@

mrs ang : " that's why you see me desperately looking around for players!
and especially now that it's nearing the day,
im looking out more for the good players in school.
so thank you for agreeing to help play *smiles widely* "

so yeah.

i'll be performing at vivocity this saturday .
time, im not sure but
the consent form states that the duration we would be involved in this event
would be from 10am-7pm.
rehearsals there first with the other items from other schools(i think)
and then also, ours would be the last item.
ugh
so i guess we would be performing around 5 ??
haha
i dont know.

any supporters?
HAH !

-------------------------------------

gwen and i cried after school under her block today
simply just stressed
well, there are other reasons though
sigh ):

once again, im sorry gwen ..
for being such a dissapointment

it really sucks to post w/o pictures !
blogger's not allowing me to upload anything!
curse you, image uploader . grr

went all the way to bukit batok (Ar-Raudha Mosque)
at 8.30 for my religious class,
only to find out that there were no classes .

"youth day, sayang.."
(not the sayang used where lovers call each other !)
adila said when i asked her.

and this is why i shouldnt skip classes.
they made it official that it was going to be a holiday
the previous week.
and nobody told me,
great .

so pissed man,
there went my beauty sleep.
haha !

& so,
i called up iskandar (tombonist of marsiling band)
whom i was supposed to meet after class,
and asked if we could meet earlier
since i have all the time to myself that morning.

to my dissapointment, he couldnt.
not even after classes
(if they were to go on as usual)
he had to go to a marriage ceremony
hais

and so,
i walked around alone thinking of where to go and who to find
thinking of people to find was rather difficult
my friends would all still be sleeping at that time
(around 9am)

& so i took 176 from opposite the mosque
and made my way to west mall,
wanted to change into nicer clothes,
those that i brought to wear to meet iskandar .
well,
who would want to go around Singapore wearing baju kurung?

but then, west mall was yet to open.
psh !

walked and walked and walked
& remembered that there was a public toilet at the mrt station

changed.
man, i wonder what the guy,
clearing his bowels in the cubicle beside mine ate
it was hell !
smelly like shit
oh wait,
it is shit !

tried to contact eugene
but he was still sleeping , i assume
and i doubt he would go out anyway
he didnt the few times i skipped classes to find him before,
leaving me with again no places else to go but to sit under his block,
waiting for time to pass before i could go home
and pretend that i did attend classes
hah, shush

i then contacted remus
he, too, was still sleeping
but still, i went ahead to look for him
tried my luck
ran out of ideas alr

took 187 instead of 174,
wanted to waste time
174 would bring me to boon lay interchange in about 15 minutes
but 187 would take longer, since it would pass by my school(jvs) first

and so i boarded 187
i wasnt sure if i boarded on the right side

i sat at the last row of the single decked vehicle .
the area got unfamiliar
it felt normal, considering it was my first time taking 187 from there
passed by CDANS,
laserquest! woots! haha
it was a familiar place and so i felt abit relieved

minutes passed,
i saw LRT tracks
and singboards with ''CHOA CHU KANG AVE..'' written on them

i figured that i took the bus from the wrong side !
-.-
why does it seem like i either get lost
or go the wrong way when im taking public transports alone?

i cant even make my own way to science centre alone the other time DX
i even passed by clementi fire station then !
which was nowhere near science centre!
and i was sleeping in the bus, not noticing if i were on the right track,
only realising that i was that far from sc centre when i woke up .

i admit, i kinda panicked then.
hah!

on the phone:

nazhiifah :
"relax, where are you? describe you surroundings. what do you see?"

hafiz:
" i dont know ! trees ! lots of them ! "

nazhiifah :
" no, i mean infrastructure ! buildings !
btw, dont worry, we passed by lots of trees on the way here too"

hafiz :
" i just see trees..
oh! oh! clementi fire station!
sigh, im on the wrong track am i?
): "

and i was made a laughing stock by Qzai and Nazhiifah
psh

moving back,
i kinda panicked a little
but remained calm and composed
haha
alighted and went over to the other side and took the 187 back again

passed by CDANS,
again.
and back to the busstop where i first boarded 187 at
and soon enough,
the area got more familiar
i soon enter the area where jurongville was
i could tell by the rather old buildings that surround me

alighted at HONGKAH MAC busstop
changed my mind about waiting for remus' reply at mac
after seeing it being so packed
then went to MR TEH TARIK
and got myself a bandung !
yum yum
and walked around the area

got tired,
sat under block
***
(near hua yi sec)

stomach growled.
went all the way back to mac to get myself an oreao mcflurry
and returned to the same void deck

soon enough it was noon.
ive sat for about 3 hours and remus has yet to wake up and reply
haha
i wonder why im surrounded with friends who are such sleepyheads
hahahhahahahhahahahhahah

and finally he replied
and what surprised me was that i was under his block the whole time !
(psst, i didnt know where he lived exactly actually. hah !)
he came down
and accompanied me , wasting our time away with laughter

he's really a very nice person to be with
the enthu sort
i like making this kind of friends
like gwen and fiona,
24/7 crazy and dont really matter what people might say of us
when we're doing stupid things
its the fun that comes out of it that matters right ?
haha

soon enough, the clocked striked 3.30pm
i had to be home by 4
hais
he walked me to the busstop

and then im home !



------------------------------------------------

things are turning out better now, for everyone
for me, it was esp since yesterday.

Eugene and i are good friends again, i think

I had a jolly fun time w Remus yesterday

Deon is happy again, now that his love life is going smoothly as wanted

Gwen doesnt really problems now,not that i know of
& i can sense she's happy too
she and her jokes
it was fun on friday,
her teaching me the lyrics, she listened and wrote, to
tell me
and nobody
both by wondergirls

speaking of wondergirls
FYI, im kinda into K-POP now
remus first introduced it to me,
followed by eugene
and then gwen
and so im surrounded by K-POP fans
its no wonder im into it too now
hah !

Fiona is always seen cheerful and smiling,
she doesnt need me to worry for her,
right fiona?

Zeke still needs time to heal his heart completely
but he can still afford to smile and joke in class now
i dont really see him down and blue anymore, over it

Elena may not be happy over certain things,
looking at the her posts.
but im sure, things will turn out much better for her too.
and i had a fun time with her last friday too!
playing catching with the little imp.
haha

Zavier's also rather sad over stuff.
im sure things will work out well too.
well, both you guys are still talking to each other and are still friends right?
so smile and make the best out of it !

^^
i have such awesome friends to be with
im contented .
& i love every single one of them, very much .

maybe mrs pang was right
when she said this during the last LV lesson

" do you guys feel that once something bad happens at the start of the day,
the events following on will also be bad and sour ?
right, right ? "

to think everyone else agreed but me,
thinking that it's only the mindset
that's telling the person that its a bad day for him/her simply because
something bad happened at the start of the day

but today proved me wrong

it started off rough during my very first lesson
and the day simply ended sour

i can say that the whole day was rather hurting

for the first unfortunate event,
i was very, very disapointed w myself with what i have done
cried my lungs out

it seems that i havent gotten complete control of my emotions just yet
another 'break out' happened in class
once every year, i'll sure break out
at either a teacher or a classmate
damn, i just hate these break-outs
i feel damn bad afterwards

for the second time today,
im sorry fareez & madam zhou
& damn, i have yet to apologize to mrs pang,
couldnt find her.
i guess i'll have to find her on tuesday & apologize then .

i don't feel like talking about the next unfortunate event
moving on,

oh btw,
i teared a second time when i was alone w gwen
at the dnt block
she got me so touched, the way she said she loved her mum very much,
crying as she expressed herself
and was also v sad that nobody was home on her birthday night,
leaving her to stare into space alone .
i could totaly feel her affection for her mum.

i told her that she should submit her family stories to

"behind closed doors" as
she has so many stories to tell

& she giggled

i pity her,
her family already has problems
and she said that she has had enough of problems, esp outside home
but too bad for her, its doesnt stop
sigh..

dont worry gwen,
i will always be here for you
bestfriends forever!
haha
let's not let our 9 and a half years of friendship go to waste !
i love you gwen !
haha, not the girl-boy r/s btw

----------------------------------------------------------------------

like i said ,
today didnt really end pretty well
but i luckily had elena for company

i actually sent her home
i wonder if she was shocked when i said i was gg to send her from
haah !

we sat under her block for a little while

suddenly, a little malay boy
stopped cycling about 2 metres diagonally from where we were sitting
at gave the both of us a wide genuine smile
we smiled back

we were rather afraid
that a stranger suddenly smiled at us & so wide at that

he kept cycling around the area we were sitting at
and sat down near us too

the second time he sat near us,
i asked elena if she wanted to play catching with him
cause we felt that he was rather pitiful,
cycling alone under the void deck.

hafiz : " does he know how to play catching ? "

elena : " who doesnt ! "

hafiz : " who knows! he looks like he's deprived of a happy childhood
and doesnt really have siblings, considering him seen playing alone.
or maybe, his family has problems?
or maybe his parents divorced and he just feels lonely ? "

elena : " just ask lah "

i asked him and he agreed
and so the three of us played
oh boy, does elena suck at 'catching'
HAHA oops?

the little dude was quite a fast runner btw
but too bad, im still faster ^^

and we ended the game with a 'high-5'
as i sent elena up

and from that moment on,
i was alone.
im kinda still not used to going home alone actually
but too bad,
do i have a choice?

when i was walking to my block,
i heard a very familiar voice calling out my name
i turned back,
feeling so elated that i wasn't alone anymore,
but there was noone
..
was i hallucinating?
but i was so sure i heard it

" here ! " ,
the same voice called out again

i looked to my right side
and there she was,
fiona .
i was so happy to see her
and we sat and chatted under my block for a little while too

and now, im home

psh, some 'ending' to the post
who cares

(in class,waiting for subject teacher to enter class)

gwendolyn : " eh hafiz, usually we both the most to talk about in class eh.
now like we like, have the least hor? "

hafiz : " ...
maybe.
dont know ."
(goes back to writing long random things on a piece of blank paper)
i usually do that when i'm sad
i dont know, it just makes me feel better

teng ooi : " hafizzz.. why u nowadays like very gloomy.. ): "

and i thought only gwen noticed?
since she spends most of her time in school with me