Monday, November 24, 2008 6:12 AM
oh ya. i wont be posting anytime soon.
tomorrow band 8am-12pm.
and also from 7.30pm-10.30pm.
sleep-over in school.
3.30am gather in concourse.
4.30am at airport.
reach HK at around 10am.
oh btw goodbye,!
HONG KONG HERE I COME!
eh come go HONGKONG laaah,
we performing at disneyland on the 29th eh!
saturday.
okay i wont make you jelous anymore.
bon voyage !
why didnt i think the way i did when i was replying joseph-ine.
about my clique.
there's one part i wrote :
"..but its my clique-my proper family who would make it totally empty"
and fiona was right too,
they had my backs all this while,
yet i never gave them the care they deserved.
yet, i even neglected some of them.
im sorry deon elena fiona gwendolyn zeke.
i really am.
you guys are actually all i really need.
you guys were there when i was down and happy.
we shared so many things together.
from the first day we met,
till now.
we never separated.
for two years i've been w ELENA DEON and ZEKE.
yet, we're so close.
(psst, jasmine even thought me and deon
were from the same pri sch cause we were so close)
DEON, you know we weren't as close as we are now.
and im glad that it is so.
i hope it can stay this way.
i know good things dont last,
but this,
its different.
ELENA,
remember the first time we talked to each other?
you mistook my arm for you pencil box and nearly hugged it.
ROFL!
i was wearing my jacket and it had the same colour as your pencil box.
never will forget.
and really thank you for sharing thick and thin w me.
and im also glad that you share your woes w me,
crying and opening up to me when there's a problem.
well, that show's that we're great friends?
ZEKE,
eh you ! i really miss you eh.
the whole holiday havent see you, you know. hahahha
and thank you also for bering there when i was down.
well, when happy also lah hahahha
and im sorry for neglecting you at times.
FIONA, known her for 5 years now and still counting.
we kinda share and experience the same problems everytime.
haha right fiona?
and i can simply shout out from my kitchen to your house if i need anything right?
so close only our house.HAHHAHA
you are one of those who can make me laugh like mad.
seriously, like mad- mad.
finally, GWENDOLYN.
8 years and still counting.
spent half my life w her.
really, you understand me most i guess?
you know most of what's going on.
you are really a great friend.
you make me laugh mad-mad too.
CLIQUE;
you guys are really wonderful people.
i really appreciate the times we shared,
sad or happy.
we all did it together.
there was a time where we drifted abit,
but i guess we got better?
gwen and fiona was right,
we arent who we really are anymore.
the noisy loud enthu kind.
everyone's having their own problems now.
the last time i checked,
we were all laughin at each other's jokes
and gossiping aroung (oops)
but its getting more of the " exchange of encouragements and consolations"
to each other.
isnt that right.
i know we'll be back to our usual selves .
i just know it.
things are going to pick up pretty soon.
and i know you guys wont ever leave me
and it goes the same back to you.
i promise.
once again,
thank you and sorry for EVERYTHING.
5:11 AM
reply to mr joseph
listen here mr joseph-ine
or whoever you are.
"put my name w other people,
does it mean im in love w them?"
THIS is a question, i never said no?
what contradicting?
how dumb can you get?
i never said no but instead i tried to explain that i agree w that sentence
but the love was to a certain extend.
and love doesnt mean its only for like
a life partner or steads or such??
love can be for family and friends?
duh?
you're the one who came and judged me first?
it was only natural of me to respond the way you did .
what's THAT to be said about yourself?
you started it and when the other party responds
you think he's the one who should reflect.
like wtf ?
can one only say sweet sayings to their steads & life partners?
can't one treat his friends or best friends sweet and nicely?
and it's not as if i only say this kinda things to him.
there's alot more i know of who's heard it from me .
i told you, dont judge.
can you comprehend?
besides, he may fade away some colours,
but its my CLIQUE-my proper family who would make it totally empty.
and my clique is a mixture of boys and girls.
im telling you ,
again, do not assume.
if you cant be bothered, then so be it?
why randomly come and interrupt my blog in the first place,
filling my tagboard w nonsensical crap.
has anything got to do w you?
n-o-t-h-i-n-g, i suppose?
im sure ALOT agrees w me.
besides, this is MY blog.
i write what i want,
you can choose not to read.
wait,
you weren't even invited in the first place?
Sunday, November 23, 2008 5:06 AM
tag replies:
isk" you better !
zany" number? 1800-112- ??
isk" aiyaaaa
joseph" i am not gay. but i hang on to my brothers tightly. no wait, he's my best friend.well, at least he was. and it's not easy to let go of someone so easily after a change so sudden. i dont know if you understand the feeling, but i fret not. that photo, i wrote "eugene & hafiz" was because it was taken when i was at the playground w him. i only wanted to remind myself of that day.i can put my name w other people,does it mean im in love w them? love, yes. but not to the extend of gay and such. and who are you to tell me im gay. obviously you dont care for your friends like i do. and besides, you dont know what has happened, dont judge as you wish. thank you.
Saturday, November 22, 2008 7:42 PM
severed ties
must you go to that extend..
why did you have to severe all ties with me?
it was fragile enough,
and now the thread is torn.
deleted from your accounts,
who knows maybe you even deleted my number from your phone,
just like you did to fiona after breaking up w her..
it was never this bad..
but weren't we both at fault?
why does it seem like all the blame's on me.
so bad that you had to do all this.
why eugene , why?
without you ,
everything's fading to grey
Friday, November 21, 2008 5:56 AM
Fiona, (thirteen) says:
hahaha. I dont know why. You seem to always stick to people who tends to hurt you.
We(clique) had been standing by you ever since last year and you dont give a damn
Fiona, (thirteen) says:
do you still remember how our clique was like before ?
Fiona, (thirteen) says:
we had always been happy.
Fiona, (thirteen) says:
yea. we never really cried before
Fiona, (thirteen) says:
I mean in the past
Fiona, (thirteen) says:
exp for naz's leaving
Fiona, (thirteen) says:
we used to be so strong..
before we even met,
only chat .
it that wasn't heaven,
i dont know what is
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 11:59 PM
E. says:and you take it for granted huh, since last time zane didnt liek you, i always asked him to talk to you, saying you're good blah blah, you're not bad ask him go out with you . and he trie dto talked to you, and im helping him saying now : form teh start last year, THE PURPOSE going out is he wanted to go out with ZEKE, so he asked deon to plan but doen ask you, so you came with naz. you deon zeke zane, that was a group of people, remeber this in mind, (he wasnt the one asked you out) that time helping you, i shouldn't had . and you know i fought with zane several times just cos im helping you an di told him i was helping you im just saying only .E. says:its a total waste of time talking to you .E. says:he wasnt close to you, he said iys just normal friends. he sai dhe pity you tha t timehaf-isk says:pityhaf-isk says:
but as normal friends, it felt good enoughhaf-isk says:why he pity?haf-isk says:i wasnt in a bad state before?E. says:how i know he said you took pathetic whatE. says:look*and awhile later...[b]zane''[/b] toomanybarriers. says:dont bother buying anything for me.[b]zane''[/b] toomanybarriers. says:i dont want talk to you anymore.how worse can it get,huh.
now both the ones i hold on most dearly too dont want to talk to me anymore..
i had friends.
really nice friends.
friends so good that seemed so like a dream,
dreams,they're gone by the night..
the truth has finally showned
doubts are finally cleared
i went to elena's and fiona's blog.
they talked about kelvin's post on them.
hahah so i kpo and went to check on kelvin's blog.
so here's his dedication for me! :
"hafiz :
yo,fiz..
first thing i want to thank you is for leading the class in many many things,
dance competitions,outings,
although you are not in the class commitee,
but you are contributing so much to the class in terms
of class-based events...
u really inspire me to be more of a leader,
after seeing you planning all those things.
now i feel like joining the class commitee -.-
but i think, i wont have the time next year,
as i am very busy with my CCA.
anyways, i can see and feel and i also think you really are a good friend
to fiona, deon etc etc.
cuz your talks and times together w them seem so high,
and you cherish them so much.
and its like out of the blue you can suddenly start singing a song.
hahaz. you really 'founded' the 2b spirit,yeas?
must come for class outing hor!
if not we will all be very sian de.
enjoy your holis !!!,
will miss you!"
and oh oh, i was pouring my unhappiness to
weiliang and he said he had a poem prepared for me,
after hearing my probs for the past few days. here it goes:
You Were ThereBy: Ni Weiliang/Choi Gyeong Wook
When no one was there for me
And I thought that no one cared
When the whole world walked out on me
And I thought I was alone
You were there
When the one I cared about the most
Could care less about me
When the one I gave my heart to
Threw it in my face
You were there
When the person I trusted
Betrayed me
When the person I shared a lot of memories with
Can't even remember my birthday
You were there
When all I needed was a friend
To listen to me whine
When all I needed was someone
To catch my tears
You were there
When my heart hurt so bad
I couldn't even breath
When I just wanted to crawl up and die
You were there
When I started to cry
After hearing that sad song
When thew tears just wouldn't
Stop falling down
You were there
So you see I will be there until the end
This is a promise I can make
If you ever need me
Just give me a call
I will be there just as you were there for me
gee, how sweet can they both get? haha
they totally made my day.
im stuck at home today,
supposed to meet eugene.
now i wont have anymore chances of meeting him before i depart to hong kong..
its already been weeks since i saw him.
i miss you, best friend.. had nco's meeting today.
did souvenirs for band members of hongkong that were going to be our tutors.
i think meihui and i did quite a good job for percussion.
HOHO.
ended around three.
deon sery ee lin shaffiqa joanne and i headed to gilda's crib after so.
signature park.
yea , it was fun.
joanne and deon went to play billiards
haha band majors having fun together! rofl
while sery shaffiqa ee lin and i head straight to the house.
cool...
hahah
we cooked pasta, w glenn.
sery and i kept on disturbing gilda in the room,
we would sneak up and take snapshots of her and even record her!
HAHAHHAHA
hella fun bullying her!
sery and i slacked in the living room
while glenn shaffiqa and ee lin baked
some muffins.
im not sure,
i think its CHOCOLATE FUNDANT.
something like that.
gilda sery and i head out by the pool first,
with the cooked pasta.
while the rest waited for the muffins to bake.
my BEST JUNIOR and i played around with the waters for awhile,
while waiting for the others.
haha she's great fun!
GO PERCUSSION!
hah
the rest came and we ate together.
yum yum!
both the pasta and chocolate fundant!
and we head on home..
ps: billy, bob and susie are free!
deon! sery! are yours happy too, now that they got to swim together!?@ HAHAHAHHA
( only the people who went to gilda's crib would understand. HAHAH but if you raelly want to know, ask me ! ;D )
Tuesday, November 18, 2008 5:53 AM
fizane
im sorry..
i really cant lose you.
bout my previous post,
i really actually didnt mean it.
its only a small portion where i did.
about feeling neglected and those shits.
i only posted it out cause,
well,
i thought you would care..
like the first time i did when we were on the rocks,
the first time i bid farewell.
we got better again,
you finally replied texts and talk to me
i never ever intended to say goodbye.
i dont want to lose such a friend like you.
even if i want to, i simply cant.
really.
i regret doing a few things.
i just wish we could be like we were , before june.
before anyone else came.
it was down to us, you an i both.
i know i blew it,
but give me another chance wont you?
just one..
will you ever, ever talk to me again?
do i stand the littlest chance of being your friend again?..
please?..
5:22 AM
fluffy isn't that bad.
fluffy isnt that bad after all.
gwen fiona and i now know of three cats.
- fluffy.
- momo (chan)
- flashfluffy, as you know loiters around under my block.
and you can say he listens to me.
gwen says he's my cat.
*proud*
momo, which gwen renamed as momo-chan (reminded her of toto chan i guess?),
loiters around under gwen's block.
it has been coming back ever since we fed him.
he's quite loyal at first.
but if he's aggitated(he easily is),
he'd resort to scratching.
trust me, he tried attacking me.
i dont like him.
he's gwen's cat.
he kinda listens to gwen.
im bet shes proud. hahahha
flash,
gwen and i also found her.
this time, its a HER.
fluffy and momo are guys.
flash is given that name cause, well, you can tell.
she's a fast feline.
and she's active,
she'd jump up the seat if i ask her to (by snapping fingers)
and she's quite clever.
she'd follow my finger as i point it somewhere. some time back,
fiona and i met fluffy.
we really miss him.
i didnt have food, but he still followed me.
aww, sweet cat.
fiona and i figured he isnt so un-loyal after all.
we loved him more.
i think i love him most out of the three.
we brought him up to marlyna's house,
only to find her not at home.
so we just sat outside her house.
at one point of time,
when fluffy was licking and cleaning himself,
fiona and i were talking about his testis(oops).
just to ensure that he was a male.
it came to our amazement when we saw fluffy covering his ___ !
and he somehow seemed to look unhappy. HAHHAHAHHA
does he understand? rofl
 intelligent cat.
okay, i shall end this post,
with a picture where fluffy actually struts a pose !
i so love fluffy.
 hot feline
Monday, November 17, 2008 9:38 PM
HONG KONG
departing on the 26th.
my dad has asked me to start packing already.
oh, okay..
i wonder how HONGKONG is.
everyone says its dirty,
and the people are smelly?
and rude?
true?
and there are loads of cases of abduction.
shaffiqah overheard mr chua telling mrs chia about it.
surprisingly,
isk heard the SOMEWHAT same story from his band.JVCB VERSION:a father let their two children go to the toilet themselves in disneyland.
they never came out.
never seen again, till now.
8 days left in singapore.
ISK VERSION:a couple let their two children roam around in disneyland by themselves.
they thought it would be alright.
but they were never seen again as well.gosh, terrifying much?
im so not going to roam around or go to the toilet alone when we are performing at disneyland later. haha
oh ya, i havet told you guys, we would be performing at disneyland!
after so, we would be given free time to roam around.
GREAT!
so uhm, im left w only 8 days in singapore before we depart.i'll try to get souvenirs aite?
but the ones i love most are tops on the list !
tag replies:
syaifullah" first my room is baby blue its not dark. the corners are occupied. i dont crouch by the corner anyway? haha
shiqin" aiya, dont think want link first. our skin the same! later people see hahha. i find new skin first? HAHAHHA
syaifullah" isk is hot, serious. ive seen his past pictures, got his face. haha eh wait, how come you know him too?
Saturday, November 15, 2008 10:39 PM
isk
isk.
a new friend i've found.
through friendster.
he's from band too.
he's serious fun.
ive chat w him, talked over the phone.
we're planning to meet up but we both seem to be so busy w band,
now that SYF and hong kong trip is nearing.
oh btw, his band would be going to hongkong too!
but he would be returning on the 27th.
im departing on the 26th.
small chance of meeting there.
sigh,
he plays the trombone.
and his photography skills,
FU-YOOOH!!!
  hmm what else,
yar he's AWESOME.
wait, i somewhat said that already .
aiya just know that he's great.
i like chatting w him haha.
he's currently on busy status now.
wanna know why? haha
he's busy watching porn.
sigh, so long already.
HAHAHHA oops.
okay he's back!
im gg to chat w him!
another night i waited.
you said we could chat .
but we didnt.
you didnt even bother to reply my texts.
you even rejected my call.
who, no what am i to you?
you could at least tell me you went out for dinner w .
you left me waiting
and it wasnt the first time i did so
HIGHLIGHTS FOR TODAY(november 15) :
-went to deyi secondary, EXCOS invited for DEYI SYMPHONIC BAND'S NCO INVESTITURE.
-watched DEYI MILITARY practise on the field before going off.
-vania deon and i went to IMM, for lunch. ugh i spent my money on chocolate and bubble tea. ); i didnt get to eat at IMM's long johns again!
i've sat there twice, watching the others eat in hunger.
so nice, there were alot of crumbs!
hmph.
im so coming back there again!
anybody wanna come with?
-sery and eelin came over and we roamed around in the warehouse inside IMM- which was said to be haunted.
for the first time, i wasnt terrified.
in fact, i was one of them who was leading.
ROFL.
it was abit scary though at first. but it was hella fun!
our seniors went there before, they said they had a difficult time finding their way out.
but we had good instincts haha.
we roamed ard for about an hour before going home.
* im sorry i couldnt meet up w you today. i'll try my best on tuesday? sorry
its not as easy as i thought it would be. its hard.
does time really help?
Friday, November 14, 2008 5:20 AM
first drill session i ever hated
Mr chua totally spoilt my mood again today.
there was combined drills today!
WITH INSTRUMENTS
but surprisingly, its the first time i hated drills.
uhuh, you heard it alright.
i hate today's drills.
i know its a abit naggy but,
IM SUPPOSED TO PLAY SNARE DRUM!then you know lah what happened.
percussion stood to one side as instrcuted.
i carried the marching snare (can say) over my shoulders.
kenneth had the marching bass drum.
mr chua was teaching sery how to stop the band.
had to stop at some specific bar numbers.
as an example, he asked us(percussionists) to play a march drum solo.
i wasnt sure how .
like hello, i was never taught?
i only know the slow march,
and so i played it.
he got unhappy.
" i didnt ask you to play slow march!"
i was shivering.
"nooo, not again" i thought.
he came over, took my sticks
and played on my snare.
ive heard it before, but he hasnt taught ANY of us that solo before.
how am i supposed to know.
plus it was my first time hearing it being played, in our band.
kenneth was beside.
and he asked kenneth
"ah, kenneth you know right. come you play. easy."
like fuck, OF COURSE HE KNOWS!
he just watched him play?
if he could let me try again after he showed that example,
im pretty sure i could do it to ?
and so, since then.
we switched places and i played the bass drum.
my spine is aching,
after carrying that stupid big circular instrument
and marching with it.
its so difficult to watch where i was going.
hello?
Thursday, November 13, 2008 5:33 AM
tag replies
tag replies ;
fiona" stop bee-ing me. first and last warning.
i mean it.
eugene" i know! isnt it awesome!?!@ come on, eugene..i know you love it. dont you. i bet you sing the same, ROFL
isk" and i thought yours already has? haha eh come online more often lah. 9pm, can? it's really GREAT FUN talking to you. oh oh, on the phone too! ^^
rita" aiya, RITA PANDEY! dont worry lah. im alright. its going to go off soon. i know it ! ;D
message to everyone"
YO! HAFIZ IS BACK! THE CRAZY HAFIZ. ive decided to let go of all the sour and bitterness. im going to reset my mindset and set it thinking straight ! set it to ME. how i think. if i can help people think positively, and help them feel better, why cant i do the same to myself. why can i think more positively myself? i dont want to get hurt and let people worry
(if there are) anymore.
HAFIZ  IS BACK
i've come to realise
that i dont need you.
all the while you've ignored me,
im still alive.
still laughing and joking and fooling around w everyone else.
i get the blues and down only when i suddenly think about you, like always.
but i can still do w/o you..
i really cant take it anymore.
you said it was okay,
and left me hanging on a thread.
are those words really true/trustworthy.
its hard to trust now.
i really dont want to hang on anymore.
its been so so long.
the last time we ever hanged out, having fun together,
was like, last year's(2007) june holidays.
when we played bowling together.
the last time we catched a movie tgt, wasnt any fun.
you know what i mean?
seriously,
i dont want to cling on,
ending up getting hurt every single time, i think back or even think about it.
why was i wishing something i dont really want to happen,
for you. why?
ive waited for so long.
so so long.
why have i clinged on so tight,
for months.
since june, if im not wrong.
why have i waited for your attention and care.
i know im not worth anything of your attention or care,
or anything else for that matter.
well not anymore.
i dont even matter anymore, since you got someone else to shower w care.
i feel forgotten.
you really have forgotten the past, our past
havent you.
or it wouldnt have come to this state.
one moment you get back at me, we have fun.
the next, poof, you're gone again.
i think enough is enough.
i dont want to be played around anymore.
i have feelings too.
why dont you care for me too, for a change?
just a little..
i think i've had enough.
it wont make any, ANY difference at all either.
aren't i right.?
this time, its really farewell.
i dont think you would even care anymore.
if anything were to happen,
i dont think i would want to walk in this dark path again,
enough is enough
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 2:39 AM
pursuit of happiness
  -my parents & mrs gan.
-band, JVCB.
-friends. wait, are we even?
forget it.
what's the point of being happy when its the pursuit of happiness that's bringing me down.
i can cope,
well, at least i think so ..Tuesday, November 11, 2008 12:52 AM
misery business cover
Sunday, November 9, 2008 5:44 AM
lets make a review.
-i cant go out anymore,
well, not so easily.
hmm, is it really the holidays?
- my mum has the numbers of everyone that i always chill out with.
(just great.)
- i have only an hour on the computer everyday.
- i cant chat on the phone for long either.
- my mum has called mrs gan before,
complaining bout my coming home late.
mrs gan threatened to take away my post if i dont pass my exams.
(well, i passed.)
hmm now,
- my dad called her up and told me im becoming more stubborn
and coming home late too.
and they both are threatening me with the HONG KONG TRIP.
-now im given ONLY ONE AND A HALF HOURS to get home after dismissal.
mrs gan is even thinking of making a booklet(for my dad)
and i have to let teacher in charge sign the time i leave school.
- i was given two choices last night,
CLASS OUTING or HONG KONG TRIP.
( i am the overall IC for class outing and guess what, i couldnt make it)
well, great isnt it?
- and band, i was supposed to play drumset for HIGHLIGHTS FROM SHREK
and MOON REPRESENTS MY HEART.
i was only starting to play during combine
and my chua came in and selfishly stopped the band.
he said he wanted JASON to be the main drumset player for hong kong trip.
it was so embarrasing.
at least come over to the percussion section and stopped me?
in front of the whole band?
plus he's biased.
first i was supposed to play the snare drum for march beyond the critical point.
and also chagned to jason.
i can play the drumset too?
why cant i be given a chance to be main?
he said before we had to discuss who played the drumset for what songs.
now, this?
like ugh,
im stuck w timpani again.
reserve for drumset.
go to hell.
im sick of everything now.
bout my parents,
i dont know for how long more i can tolerate.
im terrifired that one day,
i might not even want to go to hong kong anymore if things get worse.
i dont know..
at least i got DEON BRO now..
at least he can care and wont ignore me for any reason.
thanks bro
oh look, my mum just texted me even though he room's beside mine.
" BETTER STOP, DONT BE STUBBORN"
im only given an hour and ive used it this afternoon.
like hello?
i was busy planning for WHAT TO BRING and ATTIRE for hongkong trip?
ugh, fuck.
it doesnt even matter
guess i gotta run then.
farewell dear readers..
Saturday, November 8, 2008 5:03 AM
34th NCO CAMP POP
Thursday, November 6, 2008 5:16 AM
im sorry
band was okay today.
played through repertoire for HONG KONG trip.
punishments today,
it kinda seem to go pretty well.
even w samuel there.
i guess replying samuel was a rather good move.
its resolved now.
in fact, evrything else seems to go well.
you can say im recovering.
but there's one more thing that's holding me back.
 just what have i done again?
i dont remember anything?
in fact, we havent been in contact.
what could i have possible done?
or is it my existence?
why wont you talk to me.
why are you avoiding me.
i've waited so long before,
and the pain finally came to a stop.
now its going to rewind again?
dont let it rewind, will you.
please?
really i mean it,
please.
im sorry ,
for anything,
everything.
talk to me Wednesday, November 5, 2008 12:59 AM
neglected
its been days since i last got any text from you.
everyday i await for news, but no.
not even one simple text or reply.
i've been waiting
and i'll always will.
get back to me wont you?
please.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 11:35 PM
class enrolment for 2009
results are out.
satisfied except for one.
enrolled into 3C
literature
chem+physics
E math
A math
DNT
like wtf,
dnt was my last choice?
i prefer FnN.
and the worst thing is,
the whole of express didnt have art as a subject?
pfft !
im thinking of appealing to change to FnN.
actually i do like DnT,
designing those stuff,
it also can help me in interior design.
but i dont think i can cope.
the courswork is kinda tough.
i cant cope well now in sec two even though i got an A.
and art,
REALLY WANTED ART !
there was photography to choose,
and photo editing skills, using photoshop.
ugh
FnN,
well, i do like cooking.
and i noticed i kinda always keep perfection in the food i cook.
haha
like if i cook nuggets and such for my siblings,
i would position them nicely on the plate,
sometimes w a coriander leaf on top.
okay, i know its dumb to decorate the dish when its only for my siblings.
haha
and and, i dont let them start eating till i finish decorating.
HAH
after results,
gwen fiona elena zavier and i went to have lunch at MR TEH TARIK.
we waited so long for
NASI AYAM PENYET,
(a lady said it would only be for sale 30 minutes later)
we waited for 45.
asked again (but another guy) ,
and he said he could only sell it at 4 pm?!
like wtf?
gwen and i ended up eating some sambal chicken rice?
okay okay lah,
we prefered ayam penyet haha
gwen fiona and i went back to sch for class outing meeting
while zavier and elena went elsewhere.
after meeting,
we tried to find fluffy but in vain.
it was drizzling,
and god knows where he could be?
my mum told me before i set off to sch this morning,
that i had to reach home at 4.
it was only 3 when she called on gwendolyn's handphone.
(mine was flat)
like fuck?
first,
i still have an hour left.
second,
how the hell did she get her number?
she has her number,
she has fiona's
she has eugene's and deon's?
like she has everyone's number that i usually hang out with?
oh great..
what?
has she been saving their numbers,
taking them behind my backs when my phone was confiscated?
well, how else could it be?
simply great.
got locked out today,
for coming back late,
though it was only from a nearby shopping centre.
reached home at 7.
sat on the wooden chair outside my house for 45 minutes.
well, it wasnt that long?
in fact,
it was rather peaceful there.
but the feeling of being locked out somehow doesnt feel pleasant.
you feel like a bad kid,
rebellious and naughty.
even though the serenity is good,
but haiss.
you know,
i got in and soon after,
my mum called me into her room.
my dad wanted to speak to me.
i was expecting to see the cane again,
but he asked me to sit on the floor instead.
he asked,
why i was getting more and more ,
STUBBORN
(ugh so hate that word. been using that for every small bad thing i do)
and he warned me that i may not get to go to hongkong
if my behaviour continues.
he said he's calling mrs gan up tomorrow to tell her that.
haiss,
HONGKONG..
i thought nothing bad would happen today.
well, since it was already so tough yesterday.
but i was wrong.
and when will my parents give me a little more freedom.
just when?
im growing.
i need some space.
i dont like the feeling of being pathetic when i go out w friends anymore,
having to rush home,
and sometimes cause the others to rush
even though i said they didnt have to.
i feel bad.
when, i ask again.
just when.
when will i be a little more free.
when will i get to enjoy.
 Monday, November 3, 2008 5:26 AM
drum major setback
tough TOUGH day.
got yelled at by mr chua (he rarely gets so angry and yells)
for not playing properly on the bass drum.
i wasnt sure?
it was my first time attempting that song,
MAMMA MIA.
plus there was quite alot of people inside the band room when he was yelling at me.
they were having their breaks i guess?
it was sectionals today.
it got worse after band.
punishments needed to be done.
sery was attendind drum major course,
well, till friday.
i was left alone to conduct punishments.
didnt think it would be that difficult.
i've done it before.
well, it was proven more difficult and
hurting than i thought.
i gathered those who had to do punishments,
fall in in four columns at the concourse.
asked them to run around netball court.
samuel was unhappy, he prefered pumpings.
i gave them 5 counts to line up.
samuel only strolled while the others ran and gathered at the netball court.
if there were gaps in between those running,
i was supposed to increase the number of laps till there were no huge gaps.
i increased till 11 laps,
yet samuel continued on walking.
it was only 2 rounds,
and i gave in to samuel- which i wasnt supposed to.
i stopped them and asked them to do pumpings instead,
they way he preffered.
he exclaimed " yay!"
i was abit relief, thinking at least he would cooperate now?
i was really mad at samuel,
i shouted to the whole lot.
"since you guys make it difficult for me,
i'll make it difficult for you"
well, i've heard not only me saying that.
other drum majors would have said it?
yet, he didnt really do those pumpings.
i stood there heartbroken,
looking at the others suffer under the scorching sun,
w palms on the hot blazing concrete stone ground.
gwen was looking at me,
and i felt so so pathetic.
i gave them 20 pumpings,
with long pauses in between where they had to stay in pumping positions,
waiting for samuel to complete his.
they asked for permission to recover
as samuel just stood up and walked off.
i said aloud that the all of them were not going anywhere.
(unless he came back)
and he said aloud as he walked off
" but im going somehwere"
i was really confused, hurt and i dont know.
its a mixture of feelings.
it totally sucked.
what kinda assistant drum major am i.
i cant even conduct punishment w/o sery ma'am to guide.
how am i supposed to take over next year,
how am i supposed to do my duties when i cant even do such a simple task!
im having greater doubts bout continuing as drum major.
yea, i've had doubts but none this strong.
its really getting tougher these days,
now that SYF is approaching,
now that im taking over sery pretty soon.
i told deon what happened,
and my reactions.
well, he did say my actions were wrong.
i felt more demoralised.
i dont know how to do this anymore.
plus, today,
i got a slight cut on the finger by a knife.
can the day get any worse?
i stare into the sun,
glaring it may be.
just to not be able to face the world
is all i ask for now.
i just want to shut my eyes,
and hope tomorrow will be a better day ahead.
or will it?
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