you see, i gotta balance between band & class meetings.
for band, i have to help the other leaders to plan for HONG KONG trip. i was so busy doing so that i forgot to do my proposal write-up for my class outing's planning!
speaking about class outing, im the overall IC. im also the emcee. didnt have time to complete the script to show to everyone, im sorry atikah, really i am. try to understand?
we'll see how things go
6:18 AM
class outing planning
went to school earlier this morning. the organizing commitee were having another meeting regarding the class outing/party.
im the overall I/C. but well, i didnt feel like one. it seems like atikah is totally in charge, but she's my assistant. haiss maybe its my bad, for not being able to attend the first meeting. & so she got used to taking over. i guess its alright? i'll just follow then.
after that, we headed to mac for lunch.
was supposed to go to elena's house to practise for class outing's talent-time, but she told me to meet up at zavier's house instead.
we did our stuffs.
i dont feel confident eh, my first shot at showing the world a new thing, but w elena, i hope things will be fine.
well, i guess that's all then. ciao
Tuesday, October 28, 2008 10:55 PM
ROUGH day
yesterday, after band practise, we headed to the cinemas. HSM3 again, awesome show.
sery asyiqin and me actually planned to strum guitars tgt after band. little did i know, they suddenly talked bout going to the movies. wow? i wasnt prepared? and i doubted i could go, cause i've went to the cinemas with zane and gwen just last saturday.
you dont know my mum, its difficult for me to go to cinemas. haiss,
so we discussed on the way how to put it to my mum. suddenly in JP, POOF! my mum walked passed us, wow. dumbfounded.
and i asked her if i could go, she said no and walked off. haiss,
than i called her phone, asked again. i got a scolding, a very bad one.
at one point of time, she said,
"you think i print money ah? keep wasting money"
me:"but im using my money what."
mom: "yes its yours, but it came from me"
me: " but you gave it to me, its mine. i get to spend it dont i?"
mom:"your problem lah hafiz!" (hangs up)
she left me msgs, saying im becoming more stubborn, go out nvr tell parents already, friends more impt than parents, that sort of thing.
the others saw the msg and asked to sell the ticket to hua dong who thought of coming. but i said nvm.
so i went on to watch, well i didnt want to dissapoint the others? besides, it was my first time out w syazwani? and i miss her lah, 'long time no see' (;
reached home at four plus, parents were'nt home yet. so phew.
it was evening, eugene called up. we chat, than i had to go for a moment. i called him back at 8 plus?
it was only 9plus, my dad came into the room and said,
"havent stop yet ah? use how long already?"
me: "(moaning)awhile more lah" you see, i dont like my dad. we're not so in good terms also.
awhile later, sis came in to get her pillowss to get ready for bed.
she told me: "(frowning) dad ask you to stop lah"
me: " (unhappy)wait lah" of course i was unhappy? suddenyl she came talking to me with such attitude.
she came in the secone time: "oi, dont understand ah? dad asked you to stop right!"
me: " CANNOT WAIT IS IT!?@"
soon later, the man came into the room w/ a cane. its been a long time since i saw that long frightening stick.
dad:" i asked your sis to ask you to stop right?! why did you scold her?!"
me:( i was about to say, that she talked to me w such attitude, but knowing that my dad favours my sister the most out of all the siblings, i kept it in.)
he went on scolding, holding that thing in his hands. saying im becoming stubborn now. chat for so long (fuck it was only for about, AN HOUR?)
he told me to hang up, just like that. fuck.
i was frowning throughout, well tell me, who would be so happy if he gets a scolding?
and he reprimanded, " FROWN SOMEMORE FROWN SOMEMORE! I BEAT YOU UP THAN YOU KNOW," (swaying the cane around, wanting to land it on me but didnt.)
i talked back: " YOU CANT EXPECT ME TO BE SMILING, CAN YOU!?" (i mean like yah, would YOU,dear readers, still be so happy if you get scolded?)
at this point in time, eugene was calling back, the screen on my phone kept flashing. (dude, im sorry i hang up just like that)
my dad continued: " TALK BACK SOMEMORE! " (swings the cane more know, aiming for my ears)
i was holding to my pillow, i coverd my head. he didnt hit me witht he cane.
seeing the flashing lights on my phone, he asked me to switch it off. he told me to go out and sleep right away. on the way out, he attempted to hit me again, but didnt.
i was preparing my matress outside, and saw him gg into the room. its obvious that he wanted to take my phone? but it was in my pocket, he went out of the room and told me to pass him my phone. i went in again,took out the phone from my pocket and put it on the table outside.
watched tv, heart fuming still w anger,
fuck my dad, i dont like him. since, like i dont know? i stepped in secondary school life? i just dont like the way he 'controls' me.
maybe what syazwani said was right "at this point of time, sure have alot of quarrels w parents. cause its the growing up stage. you'll feel like you want to be abit more free"
i somehow agree.
cant my parents let go ABIT? just ABIT?
and why are they so biased to my sister? im allowed to use only an hour on the compt, but she? she uses it from from late afternoon all the way to 9pm, when i would get online.
i tried to use the compt at about 2pm for awhile that day, and use it again at 9 at night.
but my dad came in to tell me to not use it at night, since i've used it in the afternoon.
fuck?
i ever told him why my sister could have the liberty of using the compt for more hours. he didnt care for what i had to say and only just told me to switch off the comp immediately?
FUCK I TELL YOU FUCK.
& you know what, i nearly ran away from home last night. but since i didnt have anywhere to go to, anyone to turn to,well, didnt want to impose on them? so i just told myself not to, shut my eyes, wiped the tear, and tried to get some sleep.
Sunday, October 26, 2008 4:24 AM
i've sent in my choices of subjects. dont think i'd regret. i think i can cope with these subjects, and they're my interests.
first choice: -combination 3 second choice -combination 2 third choice -combination 1
first choice: -chem+bio second choice: -chem+physics
first choice: -literature second choice: -history third choice: -geography
first choice: -art second choice: - FnN third choice: -design and tech.
1:08 AM
had religious class today. exams. didnt study at all. it wasnt that difficult, though.
guess what, my stomach growled FIVE TIMES. and they could be heard! i wonder if the stranger beside me though it was a fart. rofl. ^^
headed to macdonalds w/ shahir after class. got myself mcspicy meal. its been so long since i had it.
went to eugene's house to get sery's guitar back. went to pioneer mall giant. he wanted to get instant noodles. alamak this boy ah, so fussy about the flavour and brand.
EUGENE! look!
" EUGENE SIOW IS FALLING DOWN FALLING DOWN FALLING DOWN EUGENE SIOW IS FALLING DOWN IN PIONEER MALL GIANT !"
we went up and down the aisle searching for it. nowhere. so he got something else, FINALLY . aha
home.
Saturday, October 25, 2008 12:38 AM
the movies,
october 25th 2008
the movies,
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 : SENIOR YEAR.
the show was awesome. the company was .. uhm, okay? didnt chat much.
my pinky wanted to do what it's good at and my voice was urging me to let it out. but i was too afraid. coward,
thot the three of us could chat more over lunch, but we only packed long john s, and head on home. zane was tired.. gwen and i was kinda, sad on the trip home. didnt expect it to be THAT short. "oh, what a day. what a wonderful kickstart to our holidays" gwen and i exchanged our views. well, we were bored?
went to the new 7-11 near my house. bought myself a big gulp. my speciality combination. ^^
saw one black and white cat. he seemed so loyal cute and innocent. from far i called to him, and he ran towards us. he turned out WORSE than fluffy.
we tried to bring him over to my house, to feed him decent catfood. but otw, he saw another cat and was hissing at it. i tried to carry it away, but it hissed at me as well. he even tried to scratch. hmph, i hate that cat. so i bullied it, i kept touching its tail, which it doesnt seem to like. i kept on hiding and pat his tail til he got angry. gwen was laughing like mad. haha we hate that cat.
we went our separate ways. saw fluffy under my block. realised how good enough he was. i woke him up, and he ran alongside me, following me home. fed him, and gave water. sat with him outside my house on the couch. i talked to him about today, feelings and everything. its not dumb okay, i was lonely.
soon, i brought him down again.
(my favourite song from the show) can i have this dance
Friday, October 24, 2008 12:47 AM
my favourite jumper
i was browsing through hazellynut's(syazwani) youtube profile. her videos were nice. her voice is simple melodious. and then, i came upon this video. very the hillarious hahah
read her description on the video first:
"yay for spontaneity 2! was playing random chords on the guitar and ahdl sang the first words that came to her mind. lyrics: All the girls looking at me But I am not looking at them I'm wearing my favourite jumper And I'm now feeling very hyper
They all look at me like a cat But I still don't look at them I walked down the red cheap carpet With my cheap high heels and my cheap jumper
I'm feeling so damn confident and happy So I might as well go jump in the lobby When is this going to end? Cause we've run out of words to say
Thursday, October 23, 2008 8:30 PM
1b`07 & 28`08
dearest 1b`07 and 2b`08 october 23 is the day we shall part. the day we last see each other sitting together as a whole, studying together, sharing together, scolding each other.
i have done my short 'speech' the other time during reflections in class, but there's still loads more inside that needs to be spoken.
i want you to know that you guys are special. you really taught me, what friendship was. what love,care and concern was. what bonding actually meant. i grew up with all of you. we matured tgt, even though some not much.
remember OBS the instructor said, "our minds are like parachutes. in order for them to work, they have to be opened." &from what i've observed for the past two years, we have opened up our minds, and together, from small individual parachutes, we have made a big hot air balloon. overcoming the hot sun and heavy rainstorms we've conquered the two years together, as a whole.
i'll miss the times spent with all of you. not only the sour, but the sweet as well. the laughs we shared, the tears we wiped off. the comforting hugs we gave, the smiles which brightens us up.
you guys will never be forgotten, after what we've been through.
"as we go on, we will still be friends forever."
there's still loads inside my head and heart. but its kinda difficult to get it all out. well, maybe some words dont have to be mentioned. you know how i feel. well, almost evryone in class feels the same, dont they?
so i'd really like to say thank you for all you've done. sorry for irritating you all the time. sorry for making you mad at times, sorry for getting mad at you at times.
once again, thank you and sorry dearest 1b`07 and 2b`08. i love you, yes i do.
6:15 AM
last day of school
i've done all i could, but it just seems not enough? it's the best i could do, satisfication was expected but things turned out rough.
last day oh school today. i started to tear, & soon people followed. today was the day we ca say, the last time we see each other sitting in the same class? the next time we see each other in sch, the guys would be in long pants, the girls, shorter skirts (oops)
before recess, we organized the class to sit in a circle, tables and chairs all neatly put aside. mr tan was curious why we shut all the windows and doors close. he went in to check. he said he found it amusing at first to see us sit in a circle, but sooner, he found it amazing to see us voluntarily make reflection time tgt. he's never seen a class so bonded like ours in his 5 years of teaching. wow. and he could feel the bondness in our class when we were on the same bus, heading for obs the other time. we were basically singing aloud and cheering in the bus. heh,
cleaned up class after recess.
went to IMM w/ fiona gwen deon zeke shaffiqa. walked ard in daiso. fiona and gwen got geek specs.
had late lunch at long johns. gwen kept taking candid shots of me, and she and fiona kept complimenting. okay, finally some compliments. HAHAHA
(okay, i know i look dumb. shaffiqa was pulling my arm and wouldnt let me put the crumbs into my mouth!)
-still living in doubts. is it for me or is it for you? tell me exactly how,exactly what.
i need to find a village after walking for weeks in the forest. i need to find my lighthouse after being lost out at sea for days.
i need to find my hope. i need answers.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008 6:19 AM
math trail
went for math trail today, at changi airport. thot it would be fun but nah, it sucked. so boring.
went for band meeting afterwards.
went to find fluffy after so. we bought him more catfood.
today seemed abit, well, different.
fluffy leaving after having his meal was ordinary. but uhm, he somehow seems different. he doesnt listen much anymore. isnt he my ''best friend'' like gwen and fiona used to say? but he kinda listen to and prefers following someone else. dont tell me even cats notice him when he's around with me? hmph, it kinda, well just unsatisfy me. but what can i do huh?
we followed fluffy around. he climbed up a small tree behind my block, and it got stuck. i tried to climb up to save it, but gwen told me not to . one live injured was better than two. i listened to her. tried to take fluffy from the grass below.
deon tried to climb . oh there he goes, everyone so worried for him. "careful," they said. he somehow got fluffy out of the branchy tree. oh, YAY for deon. whoohoo. well done, good job. he saved a cat! what a hero. (:
fluffy owes it all to him
today was boring, and tonight i was discouraged . should i be proud or should i be discouraged?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008 3:03 AM
here's a random post. you know what, everytime i look to these two photos, i feel uhm, how do i put it. its like, my heart kinda beats slower? like, it pulls me into the picture, and my feelings stir up inside? hmm, i dont know. hah, okay lame.
design& tech- 43/80 (paper) (heard from mr lee the lowest combined mark is a b3. okay phew)
mother tongue- 36/70(p1) 49/70 (p2)
art- 59/100
literature- 50/80
well basically, i kinda failed evrything. well to me hah, ):
i dropped quite a few, like math, sc and art has been dropping since change of teacher? and blar blar. haiss. failure lah hahaha
oh oh btw, i cried when i got my literature, haha oops.
yalah yalah go on and tease me lah, say lah i act pro in eng but get so low. haiss,
6:32 AM
my prayers were answered.
its kinda too good to be true, oh smelly rainbows, am i still dreaming?
its still kinda feels wierd and strange, but, i kinda like it.
things are turning out better, it seems.
(:
one by one, everything sour's fading away now. i like that.
and you, yes you know who you are, well,
thank you.
Saturday, October 18, 2008 7:14 AM
i desperately need my escape runaway/getaway. i need ubin. i need the peaceful life. i just got back and the unhappiness too returned. stuff happened. i needa escape from this nightmare before it stays for long.
im annoying. (well, ashiqin feels the same. the same happened to her. ashiqin, smile (:
i said sorry? but it didnt help.
well, i'll find my new ubin i hope?
4:47 AM
you know what, im not used to sitting on chairs under the fans in class. im not used to the lack of trees around me.
im not used to the luxury around me. everything feels different .
i miss the perfume everyone wore which chased the mozzies away.
being able to sleep in longer feels wierd. i miss the torch light and voices coming into my tent, those that wake me up when its time.
i miss being up high in the air.
i miss the deep waters.
im not used to seeing so many buildings around me. im not quite used to taking these public transports. i miss using the compass.
everyone looks wierd in their uniforms. it feels different moving about in school. the solid concrete ground, the easy way around, the luxury of staircases and not muddy slopes.
i miss shouting in the outdoors. but now its diff to even talk in class.
(fiona, im not trying to copy you. but i feel the same.)
attending the obs course really shuts me from reality too. away from problems. nothing to worry about. its just me,the nature and good friends who had your back.
smiles are all you have to show and not one frown is returned back at you.
where you can walk freely, and not have curfews.
nothing, absolutely nothing to worry about. life's free there. serious.
the breath of nature. the cooling breeze.
and the nights spent here at home, well, issit really home? cause when i look up to the dark sky, the moon seems different.
the moon glows brightly in ubin. and its always been a full moon, well for all the nights i spent there. it never seemed so beautiful. and the stars, gorgeous.
now all i see are street lights and lampposts. i dont want that.
where are the straydogs? where's jackie, our mum, our sister, our evrything but maid? dang, i miss her.
i miss those shouts of encouragement and congrats. there wasnt a single bad talk about you, not a single negative thing said to you. it feels great.
and you know whats best? there wasnt a single vulgarity shouted out to me. i found that life is sure wonderful w/o vulgarities
im not used to the luxury of being able to eat and bathe whenever i want to.
its boring sitting at home, and not do activities, doing stuffs that may be my biggest phobia. but knowing that doing what i fear most would just overcome it. there's still more to overcome. together, with a friend or two.
i miss zipping up the tent at night. sometimes, i do feel myself swaying as if i was rafting w my team. sometimes too, i feel like climbing things i see around me, even though i dont have a harnest which hurts badly down there. (:
the camp is over. i love the life there. but i hope things stay this way. i hope no more problems come in my way. but still, i miss the life there with a new family, PEGASUS.
but i guess, we have to refreshen our lives again huh?
Friday, October 17, 2008 5:02 AM
OBS COURSE, COMPLETED !
the 4-day camp is over. IT WAS SO SO SUPER AWESOME.
i didnt want to go home so soon actually. even though i do miss some people. but frankly, 4 days is rather short. its actually 5, but i heard mr tan compressed it into 4. dont know why. maybe time constrain for post-exams activities?
so here's a summarise of my camp.
i was grouped into PEGASUS. cool name, huh? like a unicorn, ey ? and i so love my trainer, jacky!
alright,
day 1:
-reach EAST COAST CAMPUS. (excited) -briefing -interaction -short ice-breaker games -lunch i tell you the food was, eek. it was served lah, but i wasnt used to the food. it was like somewhat simple chinese dishes, like the veggies, those kinda stuffs. i dont like that auntie. haha neither did my group.
moving on. -learnt belaying belaying is like the process of where you hold the rope below when your friend is climbing a rock wall. to support him if he falls. somewhat lah.
-than the real rockwall. i couldnt do it. i was nearly there, just a few more metres to the top. but i gave up.
i went up for a second try, i tried the other side, the more challenging one, they said. i was stuck somewhere near the top too, my arms were aching.
but i would really like to thank
TERRY LEE BOON SIONG
for standing by me (okay lah, under me) and guiding me! he told me where to put my feet and hands and encouraged so much! hah you were awesome!
-bathe -diner -stupid hygiene talk. no serious, its stupid. some lady came to visit and talked about like, brush teeth when we go ubin later lah.. those stupid stuffs. she talked to fast and her handwriting on a prepared paper was super small. i guess i have to change my new specs to a new binoculars??
-pitch tent -halfway through, sudden fire alarm went off. surprisingly,evryone was strolling to the assembly area. but the instructors said we didnt do that bad. 7 minutes. they said it was acceptable. ouh...kay...?
-resumed tent pitching -PEGASUS gathered in a small air-con room. haha we were so fortunate to get to sit in an aircon room. well, the others didnt get to hahah. we did reflection. yea, it was good.
-bathe -supper -lights out.
day 2:
-bathe -morning PT -breakfast -tunnel the tunnel is basically like 4-5 huge containers which are totally dark inside. we were only given a small light. we went in threes. i was with terry and imran. imran was in front. surprisingly, terry was abit afraid of the dark too. haha i got a new mate there haha
the tunnel was super dark. and squeezy. we had to crawl and finding the small holes to pass through to another container was diff too. and there were clues inside that we had to find. and the answers to the quizzes would help us in the code. the code was needed to open the door when we reached the end. we succeeded!
there were loads of obstacles inside, FUN FUN. I OVERCAME MY PHOBIA OF DARKNESS! well, most of it hehe
-CRC (confidence rope challenge, if im not wrong) its like high elements lah. obstacles like hanging in the air. and YES! I COMPLETED THIS TOO! gosh,
-lunch -bathe -pack bagpack lent to us by instructors to prepare for ubin trip later on. my group was leaving in the aft. some groups left in the morning.
-set foot on ubin at around 5pm. -dinner
we cooked ourselves! we used solid fuel, and as a team, we cooked together outdoors!
well, actually i did most of the cooking haha. well, what to do, i like cooking? haha and they said i cooked nice! very nice! even though the dish was simple HAHAH BLUSH
we were only given like, maggie, canned food like mushrooms and baked beans and sardines and chicked luncheon meat. eek all i dont like. but i had the maggie, and forced to eat some mushrooms since it's mixes in the maggie haha
-bathe -pitch tent -night walk as usual, terry imran and i teamed up. the instructors brought us to a forest in the night, at around 8pm? i guess so we walked in straight file, no talking was allowed, no flashlights were to be on. we could only trugde on, holding on to the shoulder of the one in front of us.
after bringing us a few metres inside, we had to go back in the smaller groups(terry imran and i) we were second to move.
at first, i wasnt so scared. but soon after, i thot i saw something. well, it was like a boy, and black figures by my side. i was at the extreme far left. but i just told myself it was my imagination and moved on. it was okay at first. but it got worse. i saw more and more of the same things, repeating. i started to panic. i asked imran if we could switch places, me in the middle. but he wouldnt let me. he said i had to be more confident. terry was silent throughout. i could feel him scared too. we just moved on, w me begging imran to switch places. i couldnt take it. in the end, we saw light. i walked on even faster, arms still clinged on to imran and him onto terry. eh, we had to ? and i pulled them even harder as i moved to the gate. and there it was, light. it was over. relief.
-gathered and climbed up the 101 steps up to our campsite. our sleeping area. climbing that flight of steps reminded me and terry of the show "wishing steps" the ghost show.
where the girl would climb up the flight of stairs while counting them. and everytime she counted , and there would be one more step than it usually was, she could make a wish. but in the end, she died.
-lights out! well not really, hahah. there were no instructors, they should be lazy to come all the way up to the small grass patch? so we took the priviledge and walked ard w torches! haha it was like a party. i shouted out to deon and elena and walked w them. talking over stuffs. gwen and zeke were sleeping somewhere else. all of us were seperated. about an hour later, we got some sleep.
day 3:
-morning PT -breakfast
-hike to another campsite in ubin. -there, we had jetty jump. we jumped into the deep wates from the plank that was build on the jetty. it was about 2 metres above water, i guess. i was scared at first, well, the instructors said there were jellyfish and stingrays. but in the end, i did it. it was so so fun! but of course, we had our life jackets on. HAHAHAH
-then, we kayak-ed. -rinse -hike back to former campsite. -bathe -dinner -prepare raft in the night for next day, cause schedule was tight. we stayed up late, last group to sleep.
-lights out !
day 4:
-unpitch tent -morning PT -breakfast -rafting in the sea! our raft was a total success! we rafted as a group. we went HA-HA silently as we saw a group's raft fail. it fell apart once let onto the waters, hehe mean old us.
-rinse -cleanup campsite. -pack bagpack -ferry-ed back to east coast campus. -lunch -pack personal bag -homed
Sunday, October 12, 2008 6:44 AM
alright so uhm, tomorrow's obs.
come on, dont get sad, now. i know you'll miss me like crazy. but well, its only four days? i'll be back by thursday.
dont miss me too much, or ALL MY EYELASHES WOULD HAVE DROPPED OFF ONCE I GET BACK !
so yea, i'll see you. signing off, hafiz.
Saturday, October 11, 2008 6:35 AM
never felt so happy. never felt such glee. finally some liberty. finally i broke free.
the frowns are back to where they belong that's the last i hear from them i hope it stays for long.
isnt life great now. no worries, no frets, nothing hurting, nothing demoralising. free from all the pain and pathoes. alright then, lets move on. the way a proper blog should sound like.
well, exams are over. thats one good thing. hmm, this coming monday, ill be having OBS (outward-bounds-singapore) some camp. ours was abit diff than the past years of jrv. ours is going to be a mobile camp. meaning we'll have more than one campsite. east coast, and pulau ubin. it seems difficult. i dont know. well see. bye!
Thursday, October 9, 2008 2:55 AM
jamestown story-forget.
Time has run out, for me. Everything's distant and I don't know what to believe. It's so hard, lost in the world confusion. And I need to leave, for a while. Life is so meaningless, there is nothing worth a smile. So goodbye, I'll miss you.
And I'm sorry, but this is my fate. Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay. And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long. So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me. I'm not worth any tears.
jamestown story-i miss you
yesterday was full of tears knowing death has just been here all was lost, but not forgot. the pain controls my every thought.
a new day's battle has just begun all was lost and nothing's won i cant wait to see the day when the tears all go away.
evanescence-missing
Please, please forgive me, But I won't be home again. Maybe someday you'll look up, And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one: "Isn't something missing?" You won't cry for my absence, I know -You forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant...? Am I so insignificant...? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?
good charlotte-it wasnt enough
i would try to believe in the things i cannot see but my faith is shaking now like its never been before when i call and you dont come i dont know what i should do should i call should i even count on you
i give it all i can it wasnt enough to keep you in my hands should i give up i try to understand was it ever enough
i dont understand
fuck. what the heck am i doing. why the hell am i getting emo over some people? why should i even bother?
history is history. you dont reminisce. not if it only hurts.
fuck you hafiz. better start getting this out of your head. dont ever talk about this again! dont even think, you bastard.
why should all this change who you are. you know this isnt you. where's that cranky wacky hafiz when you look in the mirror. why arent those frowns up on the shelves where they belong?
these people are just people. why cling on so tight. you can do alone, well there are others who truly care.
why cling on to someone who hates you. who thinks you're bad. why lead yourself to the trap of misery. why bother. let it go
2:38 AM
It takes seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye
yes, it isnt really goodbye but it totally feels like so.
to find a missing puzzle piece. to feel you need some people badly.
you dont know what you've got till its gone.
you start cherishing only when its done. you only realised it when its over.
you never realised how important they were. you didnt give them the care that they deserved. yet, you took advantage.
they cared so much for you, yet, you went away.
its not a family anymore. literally, but it really doesnt feel like one. everyone's falling apart. is this supposed to be?
who's next, up the aisle. take your stand. the carpet is yours.
2:26 AM
forget it then,
ive finally realised that whatever i'd do you just wouldnt acknoledge me even just as a friend, would you?
its dumb to be waiting hopelessly its worthless for someone so faceless
why didnt i hear to those who has been telling me to forget it. those people elena gwen eugene deon zeke fiona why did i put aside their words.
they totally made sense.
tears were wasted. why did i even let them out.
been stuck in yesterday everytime i shut my eyes and look back in anguish.
why should i be a slave to the clock. why should i let i control me and not the other way around. why should i remain stuck in before.
who are you. why have i been clinging on why am i tormented by guilt every single time
youre just one other human why do you seem so special.
the simple question asked by mane whic basically summarises all,
why .
i dont want to feel like a nobody. or rather, even try to talk to a nobody,
i give up since nothing can ever change your mind.
What’s the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable.
Monday, October 6, 2008 1:20 AM
...im scared...
i dont want to lost anyone else.
oh god, hear my plea. enough is enough.
starlight star bright the only star i see tonight. i wish i may i wish i might let all be well & fine. put the pieces back to where they fit.
dear smellyrainbows, you have got to help me. i cant take anymore of this. please,
anyone, please.
Sunday, October 5, 2008 11:57 PM
first is was zane. but ive been trying to adapt to the grief he left me. & now goes deon. am i really that meaningless. nobody just wants me. one by one. i see them walk away. just who is next
up the aisle.
there goes zane. there goes deon.
yes, im a peevish little brat. easily annoyed by things. nobody likes me,
nor my attitude ,
they say.
im self-centred. im not the least caring. everyone is noone except for me.
just can i leave and take the burden along. but i just dont know how & i simply cant bear.
its all faults they see in me.
the cause for troubles& problems all seem to come back to me. its me and noone else but me
i caused all the troubles. i caused all the pain and pathoes. i caused all the hatred that befell on me. i brought it all upon myself.
just what is happening, everyine is falling apart. one by one & piece by piece. the puzzle set doesnt look like its meant to be.
im such a fuck. FUCK, i say.
people comment, people leave. yet i still havent change. why should i even count those steps as they walked away? who am i to wait. i dont deserve whatever they have done. who would ever even look back, and not in anger.
im a sore in the eyes.
im done here, i think
hafiz ZHOU(chien) jia fei.
3:51 AM
1st october. hari raya aidilfitri.
headed to grandma's gathered with other cousins from my father's side. as usual as we ever did every single year.
okay, i know i look dumb. wasnt prepared, duh.
hafiz.syafiq.
family
with grandparents
after gg to a few more houses, two or three, we head back home. my cousins from my mum's side were already there. well, not all. it wasnt as merry as last year. wonder why.
evening, eugene gwen deon came over to celebrate w me. four more ppl whom i really hoped to turn up too didnt. well, they must have their reasons?
the three monkeys were shy to come in at first. cause my paternal cousins were there too, they reached quite some time ago too.
finally, they came in. ate the delicacies and LONTONG. a malay dish usually seved during hari raya. they said it was nicer than the other ones they've tried, like in sch before. ooooh (thumbs up)
oh btw, eugene said i was wierd that evening. the others agreed? i wonder why, appearance or attitude?? heck,
after eating, i lent my hari raya clothes to eugene and deon. they looked okay. and i passed gwen my sister's. dang, she was pretty!
we then head down to my void deck and played firecrackers. the others were to busy playing by themselves while i was outcasted, concentrating on my rocket. " its gonna be yet another failure" i told the others, "just like my last year's attempt during latern festival"
i placed it under my void deck and not out in the open where it can fly high. well, its not gonna blast off??
eugene initiated to light up the rocket first, but somehow gwen did so in the end. lame.
and so she did. we waited anxiously and i recorded it down in my phone. we waited and waited and " VROOOF !" it blasted off! astonished looks on our faces. haha " SUCCESS " we said.
sorry the video needs to be rotated, but im not sure how haha just tilt your heads lah. oh oh btw, can hear gwen scream at the end! hoho
we then carried on playing ard with the remaining fireworks. well, i was busy(again) making yet another attempt on a rocket. haha, then, in the midst of constructing my rocket, i spot a chinese man, somewhere not far from us. staring hard at us. it was very suspicious. i told the rest but they didnt seem to care. soon, he took out his handphone and it seemed like he was capturing pictures of us! i wasnt happy, i knew it was something bad. i told the rest and they finally looked to him. they agreed that he was taking picts of us. i kept cursing him(so silent that only the four of us could hear) but kept my cool and not confront him. we figured he gg to lodge a complaint.
soon enough, i heard cars parking behind us. i didnt dare turn. but the others told me that it was the car ive always had phobia off. the one that was white and had a little of blue. it had a siren but wasnt turned on. it was the police! i was so so so terrified i didnt move. i wanted to run but it would only make me a suspicious person. and the police would think we were guilty over something. and so i stayed put. well, i couldnt even budge anyways? seriously, tears were about to roll out when i heard the car door being shut close and faint footsteps that seemed to grow louder gradually. the others tried to calm me down. okay, i was dumb. soon enough they were beside us. three men in blue uniform. i was stuck by now.
they seemed rather friendly though. they asked us about our exams, who lived where, stuffs like that. well, we're kids arent we? he even complimented us on racial harmony, seeing the other three wearing traditional malay costumes on the first day of raya. then they kindly told us to pack up. and next time, if we wanted to do a rocket, do it in the open, where it could fly free. it was rather fun talking to them.
my first experience with the police, shared by eugene gwen deon. haha, and you know what, i think my phobia of police has kinda reduced by now. but still, ive not overcomed it totally yet ! heh,
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