Wednesday, December 3, 2008 2:11 AM
actual feelings
there were times i just want to break down and cry
but i know i just have to hide it in.
ive cried enough when i panicked for timpani.
i dont want to look more pathetic and weak.
besides, i dont need sympathy.
to feel unnoticed.
to see someone else getting all the attention and praises
for the smallest little good things they do
when you are put aside and given only scoldings
for the smallest blooper or mistakes made.
to not know what to do,
esp when everyone else are doing the jobs,
and not much is left to do.
i tried to assist, yet it wasn't enough or someone else took over.
and the effort was only noticed
when the task was taken over by someone else
and when i dont do anything,
they say
" he's playful and childish. he's not helping at all.
what kind of leader is he?"
to see someone else getting the attention everytime,
when you think its your turn cause he's had enough.
but the more u wait for your time to shine,
the more the attention is given away,
not even the least to you who's just about to break down any moment.
when you get down and blue,
noone was there.
the most they did was asked if you were okay
and when you nodded,
they simply gave you a pat and walked away.
but when someone else close to you gets gloomy,
everyone was beside.
and they came to you, asking what happened to him.
how do you feel?
when you're down, there wasnt much care.
when it was ur best friend, everyone else was beside him.
they even asked you what happened to him.
hello?
where's MY share of care?
how lovable or neglected can one get?
everywhere i go.
its his name.
even when i shut my eyes and cover my ears,
the voices are still stuck in my head.
jobs,
why does it seem like even if i've tried so hard,
my efforts are gone to waste.
noone notices,
but when someone else does it the same,
woo, its praises
why wasnt i called out ONCE to help,other than for percussion?
why wasn't i noticed by any teachers,
other than negatively?
was there really a need to reprimand me when i only
wanted to help?
jason was missing,
you asked the other exco to search for him.
i tried to do my part.
i tried to call his phone and what did i get.
your shouting, asking me to keep my phone.
it wasnt the right time to use my phone.
its so hard putting on a smile for the whole trip.
but im not sure how i survived.
shaffiqa's been putting on a mask too.
she has her own story behind it.
im not sure for how long more i can tolerate.
i dont even feel like an exco anymore.
at times, i just want to back out but i dont want to.
its confusing .
plus, i still remember the other time,
after our pre-departure briefind that night.
every exco was sitting in a circle with mrs gan,
having a last minute discussion about the trip.
i sat with jasmine alone,
thinking why i wasnt called to join in.
i was the ONLY exco not involved.
in fact, actually,
nowadays,
i feel that i only get updates the same time as the normal band members do.
but excos are suppoed to know beforehand.
i wish somone would really understand my state.
well actually, there is.
im chatting w her right now.
she feels almost exactly how i feel.
im glad someone truly understands..
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